5 Yrs old: My Mum and Dad

I remember being a football match for the Cleveland Browns. The memory is not of the games though, but of looking across at my parents. My Dad is sitting next to me. He is clean shaven, and his hair is neat as it pokes out from underneath a Cleveland Browns cap that he wears backwards. I see him fiercely munching on popcorn, and spitting it back out again when he shouts at the game being played. He frowns a lot as well. He’d occasionally shoot a smile across at me and say, “Concentrate on the game, son.” My mother is sat the other side of him. I can only catch glimpses of her in between my Dad rocking back and forth as he moves with the football game. She is softly staring ahead of her, towards the pitch. She doesn’t smile, or frown. She also never looks across at me. It’s obvious that she doesn’t belong there.

6 Yrs old: The day I found out Mum had gone

My Nan picked me up from school that day. That’s where my memory starts. She was standing talking to my teacher, who was frowning at what she was saying. I shouted to get Nan’s attention. Her worried face turned towards me and changed to a beaming smile. We walked hand in hand to the car. I didn’t ask why Dad hadn’t come to pick me up. I sat in the back of the car, rather than the front, as I would with Dad, and that annoyed me. I could tell Nan was thinking a lot, but I didn’t think ask her what it was about. I was more interested in the dark clouds infringing on the beautiful blue sky. We pulled into the drive, and the house was dark, but I could see that Dad was looking out of the living room window. His eyes were swollen; a little like a teddy bear I used to have once. The next image I have is me standing in the living room doorway, with my Dad silhouetted at the window looking out onto the front yard. His back slumped as I had never seen it before. I felt grey. Everything was grey. Grandma just kept smiling. All I can remember then is Dad holding me. His heart beat was slower than normal, and he was colder. It felt like he was trying to get heat from me.

9 Yrs old: When we left our home

I was in my room, building a huge Lego machine. I’m not sure what the machine was, but it was huge. I knew my Dad had gone out earlier, but I didn’t know where. He didn’t say. He often went out, leaving the door unlocked and the TV on, but he always came home. I also knew that he had lost his job recently; I had only eaten noodles for the last week. The front door opened, and I could hear more than one voice, shouting and arguing. I stopped building as I heard him coming towards my room. I was a little scared, actually. The other voice I recognized as Grandma. Dad was saying, “We don’t need your help!” and Grandma was saying, “Please! Just let me give you something!” He burst in. I’m not sure if I was crying at this point or when I was being dragged down the hallway to the front door with a small bag of clothes. Grandma was still doing something between begging and shouting. He put me in the car. I was definitely screaming by this point. We drove away, leaving Grandma behind. I never saw her again. I never went back to that house again, and I never saw Dad cry again. That was out first day as drifters.

16 Yrs old: Detroit

We were in the upstairs private section of a bar in downtown Detroit called Charlie’s. Dad had befriended the owner of the car after several well received jam sessions with a local band. After much persuasion, Dad convinced the owner, Roger, to let me into the private area and take part in a poker game. Dad had been teaching me the basics and thought it was time to play a proper game. “If you can’t learn to gamble, then how will you know what you’ve got to lose?” he always says. I liked being among older people. It gave me a pride in being so mature and grown up. I was also allowed to drink that night; one of my first ‘proper’ nights of drinking. As the booze flowed and the money changed hands, I felt a joy and acceptance I hadn’t felt for a long time. I felt a strong friendship towards my father, and that I could do anything he would support me. I felt part of a team, a troupe, a family, if only for one night. Everything I said seemed to make people laugh as well; I was on form.

SAMI: Internal Monologue

You are here. I can’t believe it but you are. I am standing here right now looking at you. Feeling you, smelling you, tasting you taking you in.

Everything  inside is buzzing. But it’s a hard buzz, it is light and strong as hell. It tickles to have it inside of me. My head, my heart my lungs my gut it all feels like it’s going to burst cause of it.

I’m unable to control it, I’m not sure I want to control it but I know that if I completely let it go I’ll go stark mad and throw myself over everyone that is in my way. Squeezing it to death, crushing it or crushing myself. Crushing everyone in the ritual of kisses and hugs. I feel like screaming my head off. Right now scream how much I love you and everyone, and everything over and over until my lungs crack.

I’ve missed you beyond anything that can be described in words or pictures or sounds or anything tangible. I would hope for this until I made myself sick, But still not daring to hope for anything else.  And now with you here I can’t see anything, know anything or sense anything apart from that you are here. I’m blind to everything else. I’ve been blind for a long time but now I don’t recognize myself right now. I’m not in a place where I can or should.

I just know that wherever I am heading it’s going to be amazing.

Everyone was after her, this freest of spirits. Then there was one night, late when we were all pretty cut when she said ‘Well, are we going? I said, “I think everyone is happy to stay for a while?” she said “ no just you and me, dumbass’. She did the sexiest drunken strip tease for me while I sang, “Angel is the centrefold” by the J Giles Band.  I don’t know how she made taking off a pair of jeans the sexiest thing in the world but she somehow did. And when we were together, her taking her jeans off, even when she was in the worst of moods would just turn me on! When we were on the road together, we would split off from the rest and go and do our own thing. I remember that I would walk along the street and she would skip sideways until that was too frustrating for her so she would break into a run. I would run after her for a while, but I could never catch her. She would take a corner disappearing from view, and when I caught up with her I would find her lying on the sidewalk and she would say, “You win, take me!” She had a talent for getting into fights in bars and winding up guys who would visit her with unwarranted attention. I step in, but she would flash one of her dagger looks at me like ‘I can handle this’ and handle it she would! I know from experience that she has a deadly left hook though I have never been on the receiving end of one, praise be to Jesus.

What was it like her having your child?

She was shit scared. Though I tried not to pressure her, I was over the moon about it. We talked about whether she wanted to go through with it and I reassured her that whatever her decision was, and I felt that it was her decision, I would abide by it. The day she said, “ OK, let’s do it!” I felt a happiness I had never felt before and by the spark in her eyes, I could tell that the decision had turned a light on in her. She was not happy during the pregnancy. She got really big, and used to stay in eating pizza and ice cream, saying how ugly she felt. It used to be a relief to go out and buy her more pizza and ice cream but then she would accuse me of having affairs the checkout girls at Wal-Mart. Memory is a funny thing. It tends to catalogue the hard times more than the rosy times. And there were rosy times, but thinking about them is like taking cocaine; the first hit is great, but then you just want more and more as you slip deeper into the darkness. So I try and focus on the now, and not get caught on reflecting on how things might have been, and I try to be strong for Leo. And the day he was born was the happiest day of my life. Him all covered in goo and her looking flushed, and exhausted and completely in awe of what she had achieved.

What was it like when she left you?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see it coming. She found our domestic bliss oppressive and our circle of friends with children, dull and conservative. She would roll her eyes at dinner parties, whenever the conversation got on to soft furnishings, home improvements or college fees. I guess she was suffering from postnatal depression, though she would never go see a doctor and she hit the roof when I suggested it. Her body came back amazingly quickly after the birth but she used to say that she felt like a whale with concrete flippers. She had a few girlfriends who she used to go out clubbing with but they were bad news. Jenny was high on junk most of the time, and Beth, who had given her child up for adoption would disappear with random men creating dramas both told and untold. So I was split when she finally left. I resented her for abandoning Leo and me, but I also knew that we could not go on the way we were. Leo saved me, that and the routine of going into work every day. I would wake in bed expecting to find her there then remember she had gone and I would feel this hole that had ripped open in side of me. Leo would come in full of joy and life and jump on the bed, with an uncanny knack for landing on my balls, causing real pain and nausea that would obscure the imaginary pain. I never tried to call her. She would send Leo birthday cards and Christmas cards to my folks’ place, but then one year, the birthday card never came and neither did the Christmas card. Her mom still sends Leo little gifts though. I feel sorry for myself sometimes. But I try not to show it. Back in the day, I would get drunk and rage with the guys at the studio. Calling her all the names under the moon. Unfeeling bitch, feckless whore, irresponsible child woman, selfish cunt…  feckless whore, I like that one. But I take pride in the fact that I have never defamed her in Leo’s hearing. And I never will! Sure I get blue, and Leo can read it on me. But he knows that some time spent playing guitar can turn my mood around.

Sam bring Isabelle back into the living room
He introduces her
Where’s your father?
Leo asks, should we go?
Sam says, no, stay.  You entertain her while I fix the bedrooms
Sam leaves Is and Leo alone

Is and Leo
This is a coincidence
Leo gives enough information so that Is starts to feel uncomfortable with the coincidences about their pasts.
Ray enters.
Theres a moment of paralysis
Is tries to leg it
She falls
Revelation to Leo that Is is his mother
Leo goes out to the porch
Moment between Ray and Is
Ray reaches out to Is to help her up
Their past is contained in that moment
Is declares she is going to go away with Leo and Ray
Ray demands that Is say goodbye to Sam:  She’s must break this running away cycle

Is goes to Sam to say goodbye
Sam leads a flashback of their past lives together.  During that time, the following happens:
Is says she has to help Ray and Leo leave
Sam offers she doesn’t have to leave now: they could stay for the night and leave tomorrow
Is deflects
Sam offers they can walk if they need.
Is deflects
Sam offers that he can be everything she loved about him, and fix the things she didn’t like about him:  he can change
Is is swept up in the flashback and Sam’s present.
Leo enters.
Sam welcomes him and tries to send him out.
Leo says, are you coming
Sam tries to get him to just go away and wait for a bit.
Leo asks, you’re not going to tell him
Tell him what?
Leo leaves
Is reveals her relationship with Ray and Leo
Is runs after leo and ray

Leo: Dad?

Ray: Hey, Leo!

Leo: What are you doing?

Ray: Sam, meet my beautiful son.

Sam: Hey, Leo.

Leo: Hi.

Ray: What are you doing with my guitar case?

Leo: You left it outside.

Ray: Oh, did anyone throw any money in it?

Leo: Have you been begging again?

Ray: I don’t beg!

Leo: I’m sorry Sam if my Dad has intruded in your day.

Sam: No, not at all!

Ray: Hey, how did it go in town?

Leo: Umm…

Ray: Did you get a job?

Leo: No.

Ray: Aw, that’s a shame.

Leo: I found us somewhere to stay though! The Salvation Army will take us in if we get there by seven.

Ray: Well, I better get my toothbrush from the van then.

Sam: Wait a minute. You don’t need to leave.  I can put you up here for a night.

Ray: Sam, you are a saint.

Leo: You don’t have to do that.

Sam: It’s not a problem.

Leo: You don’t have to be so nice.

Sam: I want to. It’s just good old southern hospitality.

Ray: You’re from Chicago.

Sam: (handing Leo a Coke) How about a drink?

Leo: Umm…

Ray: Take the offer, Leo!

Leo: (taking the drink) Thanks.

Ray returns to floor and picks up the cards and demonstrates the game.

Ray: Leo, have a go at this. You might actually be good at this game. You just throw the card into the basket, and if you get one in, the other one has to drink.

Leo: Ok.

Leo attempts, and fails. Ray then cheats and gets one in.

Ray: Ah! You have to drink now!

Leo: You cheated!

Ray: I did not!

Ray starts throwing cards at him.

Leo: Stop throwing cards at me.

Ray: I’m not. I’m throwing them around you.

Leo: Yea, but you’re trying to hit me.

Ray: That’s your interpretation.

Leo: Right, that’s it!

Leo jumps on Ray and starts throwing cards at his head.

Leo: You like that? How do you like it you bastard?!

Ray: Get off me you psychopath!

Sam: Whoa! Guys! Calm down! Ray, I think you need to sober up if you’re gunna play tonight.

Leo climbs off Ray and slouches in a chair.

Ray: You couldn’t be more right, Sam.

Sam: I’ll get you coffee.

Ray: That would be great. Thank you.

Sam leaves for the kitchen.

Leo: Hey Dad, there was a lady in the coffee shop today. 

Ray: Did you get her number?

Leo: No, she was way too old for me.

Ray: Did she have nice Chihuahuas?

Leo: I didn’t look.

Ray: Pity.

Ray picks up his guitar and starts warming up his finger.

Leo: Hey Dad, does Sam live here on his own?

Ray: I believe so.

Leo: What’s that all about?

Ray: I think he used to live with a woman.

Leo: Oh.

Ray: Something to do with her leaving him. Still trying to work it out.

Sam returns with coffee.

Sam: Here you go, strong and black.

Ray: Ah, just how I like my woman.

Leo: Dad.

Sam: Don’t have a go at your old man, just because he likes to dip it in the chocolate.

Ray and Sam share a laugh.

Leo: So Sam, how long have you lived on your own for?

Sam: Umm, about two years now.

Leo: Cool. A bachelor.

Sam: Yea, something like that.

Leo: You must have loads of women over.

Sam: Not really.

Leo: Oh.

There is an uncomfortable pause.

Ray: So! Are we gunna do one of our songs tonight son?

Sam: You two play together?

Leo: I just sing a bit with him.

Ray: He has the voice of an angel.

Leo: No I don’t.

Sam: Can I listen to one?

Ray: Umm, I don’t see why not. It’ll be a good warm up.

Ray goes over to where Leo is sitting.

Ray: Which one shall we play my boy?

Leo: The blues one is easy enough.

Ray: Ok.

They sing. Sam gets up and starts casually dancing to the song. They finish.

Sam:  That’s was really something. It’s been so long since anyone has been here; I almost forgot how to have fun.

Leo: Hey Sam, who was it that you used to live with?

Sam: Look, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable…

Ray: Sam, if there’s one opportunity us crashing at your house has given you, it’s to talk.

Sam looks at them both, hesitating slight, then gives in.

Sam: Her name was Stella. Druassi can use some of his homework here where he talks about when Stella left, but it might nice to end it with

During his speech, Sam goes to the draw and brings out a picture. He stares at it.

Ray: Lost love.

Silence. Sam stops the music.

Ray: Burn everything you have of hers. Every item of clothing, every picture.

Sam: It’s not that easy.

Ray: Go into your memory and turn it around onto her.

Sam: Ray.

Sam goes over to Leo and hands him the picture.

Sam: There is my favorite picture of her. It was taken when we were in Mexico.

Sam goes and sits down at the table.

Sam: Fancy a smoke Ray?

Ray: Sure.

He starts rolling a cigarette. Leo looks across at his Dad and catches his eye.

Leo: Hey Dad, you that girl I met in town?

Ray: Yea.

Leo mimes “this is her.” Sam looks up at him, but Leo just smiles at him. He catches Ray again and mimes “should I tell him”. Ray shakes his head.

Leo: (wearily) Sam, before I came here, I had a coffee at Hardmans cafe on the corner. I had a conversation with this woman.

Sam: What?

Leo: She was sitting opposite me.

Sam rises.

Sam: You’re not messing me around are you?

Leo: No, I swear it.

After a while, Sam rushes off.

Leo: Wow.

Ray comes over and takes the picture.

Ray: Did she say why she was here?

Leo: She said she was just passing through.

Ray looks at the picture. He freezes.

Leo: She said, “to live is to lose.” What shall we do?

Ray takes a while to respond, working things out in his head.

Ray: I need…you should stay here and I’ll go and see if Sam is alright.

Leo: Oh, ok.

Ray leaves.

Day 1: We started with the exploration of the original script by Geothe; discussing it’s themes of love, completion, balance, and God. We then went into detailed analogy of the characters and how they tick. Some interesting things that struck me with the original:

-          Very wordy and expressive. Each experience and emotion is explored in extreme detail.

-          The author was only 18 when he wrote ‘Stella’, so he was trying to understand the issues himself.

-          There is a lot of explicit ‘feeling’ going on. Almost feeling for the sake of feeling.

-          It has an etiquette and formality that would be interesting to play within our time.

Day 2: We talked mainly today about place; the place of the original, and then the placement and location of our adaptation. From the original we determined the following:

-          Small town – room for gossip

-          There is a routine and custom for when visitors arrive.

-          It gives an impression of the area being run-down slightly.

-          Stella lives in a big house.

-          There is no sense of temperature. Therefore there are no extremes to affect the action.

-          It is easy to become anonymous.

-          What does it border on???

-          People often are passing through on their way somewhere.

We then made the decision to set our adaptation in Macon, Georgia. It fitted the scenario of our piece and made sense to react to the environment we, as actor, were staying in. The strongest aspect was the feeling and possibility of anonymity.

Day 3: We decided to plot the entire journey of our play out on location around the town that is going to be set:

-           This allowed for the physical journey to be scoped.

-          It changed some dynamics of the characters altering them to being American.

-          It gave the piece a strong identity, pace, and attitude.

What it did for my interpretation/development of Leo:

-          Leo is older than first thought. He is at college, and therefore 18 rather than 16. This gives a more mature view, but also allows for more conflict between him and his father. “Dad, I need some kind of order!”

-          His reactions and decisions are still based upon his fathers, whether or not he acknowledges it or not.

-          His father’s fight or flight mechanism is in built in Leo as well.

-          Leo’s instinctive impulse is to protect his father.

Day 4: The first day of practical work.

Scene one:

-          Leo and Ray leaving the van

-          Walking down Spring Street

-          Leo leaving Ray on his own.

We improvised around these movements a few times, and several observations and structures cropped up:

-          Leo is returning from enquiring about a mechanic. He also got some fried pickles from Zaxby’s. This adds and nice dynamic in the scene.

-          Ray is playing guitar and singing on the bumper of the van at lights up. This nicely frames his character.

-          They’ve come from Atlanta after Leo was thrown out of college, and Ray was fired. They broke down on their way to Miami. The element of passing through Macon feels right.

-          Leo isn’t so naïve and innocent as first thought.

-          How are we relating to the space?

-          Ray gives Leo the impression of responsibility. “Lead the way pilgrim.”

Scene three:

-          Leo has had rotten luck looking for some work/money/accommodation, so goes to the café before returning (having failed) to his father.

-          Stella is passing through, contemplating returning to Sam.

Again, we improvised a couple of times with the situation, and several things cropped up:

-          Leo’s aggressive attitude gives a nice dynamic.

-          Stella needs to hear his say that he forgives his Mum for leaving.

-          Leo is working himself around to feeling sympathy for his Dad. “I suppose he’s had it rough.”

Day 5 and 6:

Scene four:

This scene has proven and a very tricky scene to get going. This is because it has and needs many movements which need to flow into each other. This creates some difficult character dynamics and some strong choices need to be made. Those movements are mentioned in a blog above this one.

Leo’s key points and aspects for the scene:

-          Leo’s first intention is to determine the situation. Who is this man he’s with? Does he own this house? Does Dad know him? What is Dad doing in here? Why did he leave his guitar case outside? Do I trust this man?

-          Leo’s weariness of Sam leads to finding out Sam’s story with Stella.

-          A sense of play with his father needs to be strong.

-          It’s three and a half house later after leaving his father, and he has achieved nothing in town.\

We scoped Leo’s physical journey from finding that his father wasn’t there, to finding him in the house with Sam. Interesting things came out of that:

-          He takes time to make the decisions to move and enter the house.

-          There are a lot of active facial expressions.

-          He only moves when he is certain of where he wants to move to.

-          His feeling threatened instinct is lead by his chest.

-          His main inner qualities are earth and fire. The balance of these two creates the action.

-          Very reactive and responsive to his environment.

-          Use of hands to scales things out with.

Using my homework piece: “I think I’m going to come back”, we devised a “dance”/physical map of our journeys through that piece, connecting with the words and each other’s bodies in the space. We  recorded the piece and used it as a soundtrack to the movement sequence. We then each went through the movement sequence on our own, imagining the other body. We then both came back into the space but continued to repeat the movement sequence in isolation from each other. We repeated this two or three times changing direction, playing with tempo, dynamics and playing with which parts of our bodies were leading us at any given moment. We then experimented with starting the sequence in isolation and finding points where our bodies would come together and break apart again. We finished by coming back together, Rachel reading the inner monologue aloud and us “dancing” together in a much smaller space.

Discoveries: (1) “dancing” it together in a smaller space felt much more intimate and intense; (2) The parts of the body which lead Isabelle the most seem to be her pelvis, solar plexus, eyes, head, heart and arms, often the pelvis is pulling forwards as the eyes/head are pulling away, the heart is pulling forwards as the pelvis is pulling away etc. (3) There is a strong physical connection between Is and Sam.

pm: creating scene between Leo and Is, impro’d 3 times and then tried to script it using material from the impros, story station and original script (scene already blogged here).

Discoveries: (1) “Marty McFly and his Mum in the past” – chemistry; (2) Not needing anything from each other at the start of the scene but both taking something valuable from each other.

Friday am: physical warm-up (discovered that 20 burpees in a row are very painful!!) – rest of the day spent working on fun scene: Ray, Sam & Leo (bullet points already blogged here). I watched and noted then went to work on refining the “I think I’m going to come back” inner monologue using story station material and Goethe’s original script, see below:

I think I’m going to come back. I’m excited about coming back I think, I do keep thinking it might also be a really bad idea, I’m scared.
I love you so much and I’ve already lost so much, you are the only thing I have left to lose, I think I need to come back.

I need to wake up to life again after a long, cold, joyless sleep of death. I need to disappear into your eyes, your beautiful endless eyes that seem to look all the way inside me and still love what you see. The way you used to look at me made me forget everything, you made me feel pure. I need to feel clean again.
Your hands on my skin used to transport me to another place where I felt strong, young and beautiful. Oh, to be in your arms, to forget everything. When I look at myself through your eyes I feel like the woman I want to be, good, kind, strong, hopeful.

I miss your eyes, your hands, your lips, the certainty of love on your lips, your energy, the way you used to run out of the house to meet me and dance with me on the porch, making me feel fifteen again. I even miss you talking over me in your rush to express yourself, not listening to me, your jealousy, your possessiveness, all the things I used to fight against are some of the things I miss the most.
I miss your innocence, it enveloped me and made me feel safe inside it, we lived in a world where anything was possible as long as we were together

but I think that’s really what I’m afraid of. I broke the spell and I took all that away. I’m afraid of what I might have done to you when I left. I made you give up your life for me and that you accepted so eagerly made me feel so powerful and necessary. You needed me and I left you, all alone. I am afraid that you might not be the same person any more. I’m afraid that you might never forgive me, never look at me or touch me again and never let me lose myself in you.

The way you used to hold me when we danced, so strong, you made me feel like we were the whole world, everything inside me disappeared and we were flying. I need to feel that again.

Isabelle is sitting at a table in a café. Leo enters and buys a coffee. He then moves to a table near to Isabelle and sits down aggressively. He starts pouring in copious amounts of sugar.

Is: Would you like some coffee with that sugar?

Leo looks up at her unimpressed.

Leo: Ha!

He returns to stirring his coffee.

Is: You alright?
Leo: No. You?
Is: No. You having a bad day?
Leo: Yea. You?
Is: I’m hoping it’s going to get better.
Leo: Then that’s something we have in common.

Leo smiles.

Is: You have a nice smile.
Leo: You have nice calves.

They share a laugh. Leo puts more sugar in his coffee.

Is: Do you mind if I join you?
Leo: The table’s between us, which is the way I like it.

Isabelle withdraws.

Leo: (suddenly) Do you have a Dad?
Is: Umm…Yea.
Leo: Do you like him?
Is: What I remember of him, haven’t seen him in a while but, yea.
Leo: Well mine sucks.
Is: Is he really that bad?
Leo: He jokes around; can’t take anything seriously. Treats me like a kid.
Is: He sounds kinda fun.  What’s so great about taking things seriously? I thought young guys like you would like a bit of adventure.
Leo: What young guys do you know?
Is: Oh, a few.

They share another laugh.

Leo: Seriously though, he’s totally rootless. He tries to erase everything serious in life. I suppose he’s had it rough.
Is: What about your mother? Doesn’t she kick him into shape?
Leo: I don’t have a mother. I mean, I do, but I don’t know her. She left when I was stupidly young.
Is: I’m sorry.
Leo: It’s not your fault. It’s not like I care. I’ve accepted it. It’s my Dad who can’t accept it. I just wish the fucker didn’t have to be so obtuse about it.
Is: To live is to lose.

Beat.

Leo: Everybody needs their freedom? That’s the way I see it. I forgive her.
Is: You astonish me.

Beat.

Leo: So, do you stay around here?
Is: I lived here once. I was just passing through, thought I’d stop and have a look around the old place. I’m glad I did.

Beat

Is: Well, it was nice to meet you.
Leo: Yeah.
Is: Don’t give up on that Dad of yours.

Leo: The guy in Zaxby’s said that we won’t get a mechanic until Monday morning. That’s 36 hours Dad!

Ray: Well then, we’ll have to find somewhere to stay…

Leo: (interrupting) …He also said that he thought it was funny, of all the places to break down, our van broke down at a Greyhound bus station.

Ray: Thank the lord for the gift of humor

Leo: I hope they’re not all like him in Macon.

Ray: Well there’s only one way to find out. Let’s go make us some friends.

Leo moves around to the front of the van where Ray is sitting.

Leo:  How can you be so relaxed Dad?! Eat your pickles.

Ray: Thank you. Mm, fried pickley goodness.

Leo: We have two dollars and change. That is not enough for a place to stay or more food.

Ray: I can tell by the look on your face you gave him too much.

Leo: That’s irrelevant.

Ray:  You don’t need to tip a guy working at Zaxby’s.

Leo: We need a plan!

Ray: (standing to face him) Ok Leo!  There must somewhere in town we can get help. We’re in the south, after all. “Good ole southern hospitality”. Failing that we’ll find someone to beg, borrow or steal from.

Leo: You’re not funny you know.

Ray: I’m being serious.

Leo: (leveling with him) Ok. Let’s head into town.

Ray: Lead the way, pilgrim.

Leo locks the van and walk out towards the audience looking for a direction to head or sign. Ray observes him.

Leo: Spring street. As good a way as any.

Ray: Hope springs eternal in a young man’s breast.

They both walk out into the audience.

Ray: Beautiful houses don’t you think?

Leo: Yea, and so close to the grotty suburbs.

Ray: It all has the calm of newness for me.

They come to a fork in the road as they walk out of the audience. Leo leads the way and scales up the area.

Leo: Magnolia Street or Cherry Street?

Ray: Where ever leads to a bar where the people are as green as the money.

Leo: Don’t start that talk again.

Ray: I’m being serious. A bar needs music, music pays, and I can play music. Plus, I need a drink.

Leo: There are more important things than your darn music and drinking habits!

Ray sits on a bench in between the two roads.

Ray: Listen, while you get all hissy and worked up, I’m gonna create a set list.

Leo: No matter where we are, you always find a way to torment me.

Ray: (passively) You torment yourself.

Leo: God!

Ray: There’s no God, son. Just chaos and freedom.

Leo: I’m leaving. Stay here if you want, I just need to work things out on my own.

Ray: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Leo looks down both roads.

Leo: Cherry Street.

Leo leaves. Ray watches him.

Ray: (to the audience) My son’s kinda impetuous. It’s just his age. Those proud seas will run low in time. More’s the pity.

That afternoon when I got home from work (I was covering for one of the tutors that day) Well at first it just seemed like any other tiring day where I first go to the fridge to get some snack and then head to the showers. When I passed our bedroom I noticed the messy state of it. There were mainly clothes lying around, her clothes and the drawers were open as well and the closet half closed.

The first thought that struck me was that someone had been in here. And my mind started racing but then I noticed that her suitcase was missing.

I started calling Stella’s name and searching through the house, but no one was here. I began checking for things that we’re missing. The funny thing was that none of my stuff was missing just some of her clothes and shoes.

By now I started to get even more confused. I started checking the apartment again for missing stuff and as before none of my stuff was gone only hers. I also noticed that her passport was gone as well.

I couldn’t really understand what had just happened. One of the first things that was racing through my head was that she maybe had to visit some friend. But I knew most of the people Stella knew. And that didn’t seem possible.

I began thinking of whether someone had broken in to the house. So I began checking the windows and back door for any signs of forced entry but couldn’t find any.

After about 20 minutes I began phoning some people/acquaintances if they’d seen Stella or if she was with them but they all said no. I began asking some of our remote neighbours if they’d seen anything suspicious or if they’d seen Stella but no. By the time it started to get dark I took the car out and started looking for her. I drove out to the desert some how thinking that she was stuck there. Maybe she’d had an accident or someone had forced her out of the house. Could someone have taken her away.

When I came back home and noticed that no one had called and that she still wasn’t there I began to worry. Early the day after I went to the police I asked people in the town showing them her picture but no one had seen her. Drove to the nearest city where we both work asked people at work if anyone had seen her but no.

I’d by now already started to panic but I kept thinking that something terrible had happened to her. I couldn’t come to the terms that she’d actually left but deep down I sensed it with her suitcase gone along with her passport. It just didn’t make that much sense in my head at first. During the 1^st week I kept going to the police and they said nothing had come up.

During the next couple of weeks I kept waiting for her to call, Or at least getting a phone call or a knock from the police. But after a couple of months I finally came to terms with my worst thought. That she’d packed most of her belongings and left.

I kept running the image of the last time I saw her in my head. Was she angry with me? What had I done? I remember a couple of days before that we had an argument about her scratching the car. But it wasn’t too serious. But kept afterwards thinking of the other arguments we’d have, sure they we’re just like any other ones. Me being sloppy and not cleaning after myself sometimes I got a bit too jealous when she was being a bit over friendly with some guy whenever we went out. Lately I’d been working a bit more than her and probably not been as fun. She seemed a bit quiet the last few days. Was she trying to tell me that she’d grown bored of me?

 MOMENT STELLA COMES BACK

2. From the moment she called me and suddenly stood there on the doorstep I was just in a maze. Not sure how I can explain this but it was like this heavily pulsating feeling all over me. My heart was bouncing at the distance between my chest and my stomach and my hands and fingers we’re tingling.

When I held her I felt like I had to grip her hard. Not just her back but her arms her hair her face. It’s was like I had to see if this really was real. I’d had some terrible dreams where I dreamt that she had come back and we’d be in an embrace like this or even kiss or we’d not say anything and just make love and it would all be so vivid and real and then I’d wake up.

So I just stood there holding her, gripping her and smelling her in almost being torn between the thought of a nasty dream or reality. I could feel my heart beat pounding to her chest and I felt a bit of hers, and that almost fully convinced me that this wasn’t one of those dreams. I felt a surprising erection as well. At that point things felt timeless. It felt like I stood there for ages until Leo interrupted it. And as I was leaving to speak to Ray I could feel my body resisting me from moving from the spot almost. It felt like I had to pull myself away. Was she still going to be here when I got back?

I gave her a hard look when I told her I’d be back. Almost as if I was pleading with her already then.

I had this feeling or extreme joy and uncertainty and stress. Right at that moment what I wanted was just to be alone with her.

 STELLA COMES TO SAY GOOD BYE. EARLY MEMORY

3. Stella: There you are.

She startled me and has caught me talking to myself. It reminds me of our very first date. It was about 5 days after I first kissed her about 3 weeks before Christmas. It took me like a week to finally brave myself enough to ask her on a date or face her again. After class when waiting for everyone to leave I remember almost saying it in a kind of formal but blasé way. Like “what kind of food do you like eating” just out random like that. And she answered that she liked French food. I told her about this French restaurant that actually wasn’t too far away from where she lived and I asked her if maybe she wanted to go there sometime. I was a bit stiff when I said it. It sounded like I wasn’t interested in it, probably because I half expected her to turn me down and I was trying to cover up my nervousness. I was so surprised when she said yes, and she said it with a smile. We arranged to meet there at 8pm on that Saturday. From there on I had already pre selected my best most adult looking costume to wear. I wore this grey sweater and black suit pants along with my best brown loafers, looking at least 2 years older. I had pre booked the table like 4 days before. I arrived there about 45 minutes before the actual time. I was terrified, thinking about what I was going to say. What would we have to talk about? I started talking to myself as I sat there by my self, practising lines to say to make her laugh. Things that would make me sound more sophisticated, what kind of stories I could spice up to seem more interesting to her. I wish I could’ve picked her up at hers with my fathers black 1967 Rolls Royce but he’d have my fingers chopped off before I was aloud to touch it. Kept thinking about witty jokes I could tell her. What kind of jokes could I tell her. I bet she liked British ones, her accent was one of the things that really fascinated me. I Could I tell her the one I once had heard on Saturday Night Live, or maybe she’d seen it as well. While I was practising out some jibberish I heard a familiar voice saying my name. I turned around and there she stood. Wearing light make up and a beautiful fitting black dress that wasn’t revealing but  headturning. Shed done up her hair real nice too sort in a swirl. She looked so beautiful and different from the way I’d usually see her. At that moment my prep just dropped. She had caught me off guard talking to myself. I felt quite stupid. The fact that she had this funny smile on her face sort of happy but humoured made me think “Oh god! How long had she stood there listening to me. I felt like I was eight. But I was more stunned over the fact that she’d actually turned up. There she was all made up for me.

 WHAT I GAVE UP FOR STELLA

I remember the day my Father found out about the affair. And how furious he had been. That evening we had a big row. He kept telling me how I had shamed him and dirtied my name and his name to the school. I’d probably have to change school now or even be home tutored or sent away to some boarding school. He kept telling me how stupid I was to actually believe that She/Stella really loved me. Saying that I was just a nice temporary young thing she could take advantage of. Referring to her as a gold digger and depraved. I remember how I was starting to bubble up inside telling him that he was lying and that he didn’t know anything. He kept telling me how stupid and naive I was, kept denigrating me and undermining me, undermining what I had between Stella and me, turning what we had found into something filthy, temporarily  and pathetic. What really made me snap was when he called her a Whore! From that moment I just saw red. And before I knew It I had punched him right in the face, just between the nose and his right eye. It was almost as if I didn’t know where I got that strength from. It was like he had pushed different buttons and then touched this one that was active. When I stood there towering over him I felt this anger that I’d never really felt before or felt brave enough to express until now. At that point I could’ve killed him. I was shaking so hard. I was shaking even when I came into Stella’s apartment that very night telling her what I’d done. I couldn’t stop shaking. I’d never stood up against him like that before or been that mad before. I felt like I could’ve killed him at that spot. It felt so liberating and terrifying at the same time.

 WHAT STELLA PROMISED ME

I remember how Stella just sat next to me in silence and took my hand squeezing it tight. I looked at her and she just smiled at me, Didn’t say anything. She had been listening to me going on about how much I hated him and wasn’t going to go back there ever again. She just sat the holding me and at that moment I felt this feeling of belonging. Like it was just us 2 against everyone else but she made me feel like we we’re going to be ok. And I believed her. Despite what my dad had said about her she wasn’t going anywhere. She was in this with me. Reassuring me of it.

 WHAT I MIGHT’VE DONE WRONG

I know that I can be quite lazy at times. Coming from having people doing things for me most of the time and me paying them. Even the simplest things like doing the dishes cleaning up after myself in the bathroom or clearing after myself. But these we’re some of the fun things to adapt.  One of the things was that I easily got jealous. When I disowned my family I became more dependent on her, emotionally. I know that a part of Stella liked feeling needed. There was a natural mothering instinct with her but maybe I didn’t give her enough time to breathe. Cause unlike me she was a more free natured person. And she needed to breathe. She was an independent woman. Maybe I was becoming a burden to her more and more so by the minute dragging her down. As she’s come back I find it difficult not to be on her case. Not in the aggressive way I almost try to stop myself but it’s difficult even when I try to tell her let her know that I really have been considering changing because she is all I really have left.

 INTERNL MONOLOGUE AFTER FINDING OUT ABOUT STELLA, RAY AND LEO

4.

Her son! She has a son, who’s only a few years younger than me. And she’s married!!!! She was married. She’s been married all the time. That guy that’s been playing pal with me is her fucking husband. And they’re all under my roof!

All these years she’s been married!! Is this why she came back? She left me for him? But why would she bring them here for me to see this. To rub this in my face? Why the fuck would she do that? What was she doing with me all these 6 years? I gave up everything I had for her and everything I could have because I felt that none of that mattered cause I thought it was all fake. It was all bullshit. She was the first real person I met. The first person that I felt something authentic with.  What did that mean to her. Did any of that mean anything.  It must have or… I don’t know….

Does she still love him? She can’t be. Why didn’t she tell me about him when I first met her? She’s been lying to me all these years. The only person that I can trust and I don’t even know her. What the fuck is up with this guy coming here pretending to be friends with me before laying this bomb. He must think I am stupid. They must think I am stupid. I feel like such an idiot. Is she going to go back to him?! Is she leaving with him tonight? Is she leaving with them right this moment? She can’t be!! She can’t fucking do this to me. She can’t